Dear America - Letter #6

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 4, 2016 at 3:42:07 AM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Hey Vlad,

What are you doing tonight?  You wanna hang out?  Melania is making popcorn and I’m ordering KFC.  We could watch a movie or something.  Rocky IV?  But we could watch your version where you recut it so Dolph Lundgren wins.  Or we can watch something else.  Whatever you want.  Let me know.

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 4, 2016 at 6:49:18 AM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I cannot hang out.  I have much business to attend to and have no time to watch Rocky IV.  Or any other Rocky for that matter.  I will let you know if my schedule should change.  Though, it won’t.  In meantime, send me passwords for your Chief of Staff and Defence Secretary’s email accounts.  Thank you.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 4, 2016 at 6:51:05 AM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Hey Vlad,

No problem.  My chief of staff’s password is RabbitRun322 and my defense secretary’s password is WarWarWhatIsItGoodFor69.  Do you need their emails, too?  Maybe you could come over tomorrow and we could go Segwaying.  There’s a nice spot by the river we could grab some Mexican taco bowls.  Look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 4, 2016 at 11:59:22 AM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I do not want to ride Segway with you.  Yes, please send emails.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 4, 2016 at 12:01:01 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Okay Vlad.  Don’t worry about it.  Segways are dumb anyway.  I don’t even like them.

Reince Priebus’ email is ReincePeePants@gmail.com.  It’s a very good email, sort of an inside joke.  Maybe I could tell it to you some day.

James Mattis’ email is MadDog696969@hotmail.com.  His is also very good.\

Do you also need Steve Bannon’s email?  I wasn’t sure...

The four of us are all supposed to get together tomorrow and watch Shark Tank.  Maybe you could come?

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 5, 2016 at 4:51:24 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I do not like Shark Tank or that phony baloney Mark Cuban.  I will not come.

Yes, please send Steve Bannon’s email and password.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 5, 2016 at 4:53:21 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Yeah, Shark Tank is stupid.  Bannon’s the one who likes it.  None of the rest of us like it.  It’s really very dumb.

Steve’s email is Steveo.Bano@aol.com.  We like to call him Steveo sometimes.  It’s really very funny.  Maybe you could come in this weekend and we could call him Steveo together.  It’d be tremendously funny.

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 5, 2016 at 6:23:23 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I do not want to call him Steveo.  That is a most horrendous nickname which I do not understand.

Also, you only sent me Mr. Bannon’s email.  Send password immediately.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 5, 2016 at 6:27:11 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Totally.  It is an horrendous nickname.  That’s what I told him when he was like: “Hey, everyone start calling me Steveo now.”  He went through a Jackass-phase for a long time.  One time he tackled a guest at the Trump Tower while wearing a panda costume.  It was hilarious.  Johnny Knoxville is like his hero. 

His password is KKKLivesMatter09. 

Maybe this weekend I could come to Russia.  I could bring Melania.  I hear it’s beautiful this time of year.  I have my own plane, you know.

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 6, 2016 at 7:11:06 AM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  Do not come.  I am very busy with business.  Please stop inviting me to things.  I am tiger hunting this weekend and cannot be disturbed.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 6, 2016 at 7:17:01 AM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

I love tiger hunting.  I could come maybe?  I won’t say anything.  I’ll just hang out in the back while you hunt tigers.  I won’t bother you, I promise.

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 6, 2016 at 8:57:06 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  Do not come.  Ramzan Kadyrov is already joining me and there simply isn’t enough room for either you or Melania.  Please stop asking to come as I am very busy with business.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:01:19 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

I’m very busy with business, too.  I’m a businessman.  Maybe we could get together and talk about business.  I’m really very good at business.

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:06:36 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No. 

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:07:51 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Totally.  Business is dumb.

Well, let me know when you’re free.  Can’t wait to hear from you.

Love, Don

From: Postmaster
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:08:57 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: *UNDELIVERABLE*: hang out?

Delivery has failed to these recipients or distribution lists:

Putin, Vladimir

Your message wasn't delivered because of security policies. Microsoft Exchange will not try to redeliver this message for you. Please provide the following diagnostic text to your system administrator:

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Dear America - Letter #5

Dear Mr. President-elect Trump,

Okay.  We get it.  And we believe in times of crisis and anxiety, the best course of action is not to panic.  Are we scared?  Well, that’s a complicated question.  Yes, we’re concerned that your current cabinet member nominations are the usual suspects of moral corruption and white supremacy.  But we’re also empowered by the fact you’ve chosen to nominate such a clown car of ineptitude we have no other recourse than to rise up.  So you know what we’re going to do, Mr. President-elect, Mr. Big Shot, Mr. My-Way-Or-The-Highway-Jackal?  We’re going to call our Congress men and women.  We’re going to demand change.  We’re going to voice our informed opinions until the air in our lungs is gone.  We’re going to fight—in your world of suppression—if only for one semblance of satisfaction.

We’re going to be the activists this country needs.  We’re going empower organizations like The Trevor Project, Safe Horizon, The NAACP Legal Defense Council, Planned Parenthood, and MALDEF.  We’re going to donate both our time and our money.  We’re going to create a revolution so big and so powerful Alexander Hamilton would have blushed.

You are our president; we acknowledge that fact.  But the foundations of equal rights, equal opportunity, and free speech not only exist, they are protected under the Constitution you claim to find so dear.  And if fundamental civil liberties are ignored, we’ll rant, and we’ll march, and we’ll cry out against your broken system.  We’ll call for action and efficiency when Congress and your cronies are unwilling to safeguard the human rights you claim to be needless.

We’re going to ignore your tirades.  We’re going to give your Twitter feed a timeout.  We’re going to show you what we’re really capable of.  It’s time to grow up, Mr. President-elect.  It’s time to acknowledge global warming is a fact, and not a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.  It’s time to recognize Black Lives Matter as a movement, not a silly protest.  It’s time to believe the desegregation of schools, communities, and cities is not only right and just, it’s imperative to our nation’s continued existence.  America is already great because of our diversity.  We created a land so free, and so prosperous, immigrants from all over the world came in search of the American dream.  

We are a country that is constantly moving forward, constantly creating.  And, in spite of what they tell you, Mr. President-elect, Democrats are not the Progressives, America is The Progressive.  And we believe the best solution to our problems is to move forward, not backward.

So, are we scared?  Yes.  But so should you be.  Because you have no idea how far we’re willing to go to protect our people from your blatant racism, sexism, and ignorance.  And we welcome you to prove us wrong.  Nothing would make us happier.  Prove our fears are groundless and unjustified; prove you can treat your presidency with grace and respect, not like an episode of The Apprentice; prove you care about the ideals of this country and not your own fascist agenda.  Stick it to us by protecting us, that’s all we ask.

Well, we should run, Italy and France are coming over to play Risk and we still haven’t made the hummus.  

As always, let us know if you have any questions.  We look forward to hearing from you.

Always helpful, never intrusive,

America

Dear America - Letter #4

Dear America,

Got your letter.  It was very good.  And while I'm sure you'd like to think I'll take it under advisement, I think we both know that's not gonna happen.  

Honestly, I really only have one thing to ask: Scared yet? 

No? 

Well, then let's recap.  Since my tremendous victory in an election so easy to win I even got to say "pussy" during my campaign, I have selected some very great people to my administration.

Let's start with Steve Bannon.  I know, America, I know.  I said I'd drain the swamp and then I hire a former Goldman Sachs investment banker.  But listen, he once said this about the women's movement: "That's one of the unintended consequences of the women's liberation movement—that, in fact, the women that would lead this country would be feminine, they would be pro-family, they would have husbands, they would love their children.  They wouldn't be a bunch of dykes that came from the 7 Sisters schools up in New England."  That's the kind of rhetoric I can get behind.  His nasty ex-wife, Louise Piccard, accused him of being an antisemite.  But what does she know?  She's a woman for God's sake!  Plus, he's a propagandaist just like me.  In a 2010 interview, he said: "Fear is a good thing.  Fear is going to lead you to take action."  Even David Duke said it was an "excellent" pick!

My new National Security Advisor, Michael Flynn, also upholds the fear mongering ideals I'm very keen on.  Plus, he uses Twitter!  How could I not pick the guy?  Back in August, Flynn tweeted: "Fear of Islam is RATIONAL: please forward this to others: the truth fears no questions..."  His blanket racism is not only an asset to my administration, but a useful tool in weeding out tons and tons of unwanted immigrants.

Who's next?  Ah, yes, Jeff Sessions!  My new Attorney General.  This cat is a great man.  Even though he was denied federal judgeship by a Senate Judiciary Committee because of racist remarks, and even though he said he thought the KKK was "O.K." until he found out they smoked pot," and even though he scoffs at women's rights, the guy is all for mass deportation of Muslims!  That's exactly what I said I'd do in my campaign!  We're made for each other.  Two peas, one pod, am I right?

America, in your letter you said you'd like me to place an emphasis on education.  Who better to do that than Betsy DeVos—a Michigan billionaire and conservative activist—as my Education Secretary?  This woman is perfect since she has such little understanding of the foul beast that is public education.  According to Kary Moss, executive director of the ACLU (whatever that is), Betsy has "been a staunch proponent of school vouchers and supported unlimited, unregulated growth of charter schools."  Betsy even agrees to back my plan to use $20 billion of federal funds for block grants to states to support the use of vouchers.  And, with any luck, she'll completely get rid of the $15 billion allocated to Title I—the federal program designed to provide equal access to primary and secondary educations—a Title that greatly benefits children living in poverty.  How cool is that?  Talk about cutting the fat!  Now, I know what you may be thinking, school vouchers just divert tax-payer dollars into private and parochial schools, and that there's really little to no evidence to support the claim that charter schools educate children better than public schools, but at least I picked a woman to my administration!  It's time to start giving me some credit, America.

My pick for CIA director, Mike Pompeo, is a solid Tea Party Republican supported by the Koch Brothers.  My pick for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson, used to be a neurosurgeon, so he's got to be smart at supporting urban development.  Although, to be fair, nobody supports urban development more than me.  Or housing for that matter.  I support it greatly. 

And just this morning I picked Tom Price as my Health Secretary.  We'll stand side by side and dismantle Obamacare as soon as I take office.  He's absolutely against abortions and wants to cut off funding to any clinic that performs them.  Birth control covered under insurance?  WE DON'T THINK SO.  What will Women's Rights be when they have no rights?  Women Wrong is more like it, am I right.  Honestly, though, Tom is tremendous.  After all, who really needs programs like Medicare and Medicaid, not to mention Planned Parenthood?  As rich, privileged, white men: we certainly don't.

So, I'll ask again, America: Scared yet?

I'm sure I can expect another long-winded retort very soon.  Toodles for now.

Best regards.

Donald J. Trump