Dear America - Letter #6

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 4, 2016 at 3:42:07 AM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Hey Vlad,

What are you doing tonight?  You wanna hang out?  Melania is making popcorn and I’m ordering KFC.  We could watch a movie or something.  Rocky IV?  But we could watch your version where you recut it so Dolph Lundgren wins.  Or we can watch something else.  Whatever you want.  Let me know.

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 4, 2016 at 6:49:18 AM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I cannot hang out.  I have much business to attend to and have no time to watch Rocky IV.  Or any other Rocky for that matter.  I will let you know if my schedule should change.  Though, it won’t.  In meantime, send me passwords for your Chief of Staff and Defence Secretary’s email accounts.  Thank you.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 4, 2016 at 6:51:05 AM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Hey Vlad,

No problem.  My chief of staff’s password is RabbitRun322 and my defense secretary’s password is WarWarWhatIsItGoodFor69.  Do you need their emails, too?  Maybe you could come over tomorrow and we could go Segwaying.  There’s a nice spot by the river we could grab some Mexican taco bowls.  Look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 4, 2016 at 11:59:22 AM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I do not want to ride Segway with you.  Yes, please send emails.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 4, 2016 at 12:01:01 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Okay Vlad.  Don’t worry about it.  Segways are dumb anyway.  I don’t even like them.

Reince Priebus’ email is ReincePeePants@gmail.com.  It’s a very good email, sort of an inside joke.  Maybe I could tell it to you some day.

James Mattis’ email is MadDog696969@hotmail.com.  His is also very good.\

Do you also need Steve Bannon’s email?  I wasn’t sure...

The four of us are all supposed to get together tomorrow and watch Shark Tank.  Maybe you could come?

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 5, 2016 at 4:51:24 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I do not like Shark Tank or that phony baloney Mark Cuban.  I will not come.

Yes, please send Steve Bannon’s email and password.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 5, 2016 at 4:53:21 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Yeah, Shark Tank is stupid.  Bannon’s the one who likes it.  None of the rest of us like it.  It’s really very dumb.

Steve’s email is Steveo.Bano@aol.com.  We like to call him Steveo sometimes.  It’s really very funny.  Maybe you could come in this weekend and we could call him Steveo together.  It’d be tremendously funny.

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 5, 2016 at 6:23:23 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I do not want to call him Steveo.  That is a most horrendous nickname which I do not understand.

Also, you only sent me Mr. Bannon’s email.  Send password immediately.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 5, 2016 at 6:27:11 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Totally.  It is an horrendous nickname.  That’s what I told him when he was like: “Hey, everyone start calling me Steveo now.”  He went through a Jackass-phase for a long time.  One time he tackled a guest at the Trump Tower while wearing a panda costume.  It was hilarious.  Johnny Knoxville is like his hero. 

His password is KKKLivesMatter09. 

Maybe this weekend I could come to Russia.  I could bring Melania.  I hear it’s beautiful this time of year.  I have my own plane, you know.

Don

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 6, 2016 at 7:11:06 AM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  Do not come.  I am very busy with business.  Please stop inviting me to things.  I am tiger hunting this weekend and cannot be disturbed.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 6, 2016 at 7:17:01 AM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

I love tiger hunting.  I could come maybe?  I won’t say anything.  I’ll just hang out in the back while you hunt tigers.  I won’t bother you, I promise.

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 6, 2016 at 8:57:06 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  Do not come.  Ramzan Kadyrov is already joining me and there simply isn’t enough room for either you or Melania.  Please stop asking to come as I am very busy with business.

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:01:19 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

I’m very busy with business, too.  I’m a businessman.  Maybe we could get together and talk about business.  I’m really very good at business.

From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:06:36 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No. 

Regards.

Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:07:51 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Totally.  Business is dumb.

Well, let me know when you’re free.  Can’t wait to hear from you.

Love, Don

From: Postmaster
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:08:57 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: *UNDELIVERABLE*: hang out?

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Putin, Vladimir

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