Monday, December 19, 2016

Dear America - Letter #7

This is an article by Ben Hasskamp and Ben Hasskamp alone.  It does not necessarily represent the views of America, ‘Merica, Putin, Trump, Obama, or anyone other than the writer himself.

Dear Readers:

Let’s face it, we have become a country of uninformed experts.  We managed to callously create a society based on the foundations of misinformation and deceit.  Many of us have not only blindly accepted this, but have willingly perpetrated it. 

Today, it seems as if everybody has a Yelp! profile proclaiming the next best restaurant with vague descriptions like “simply amazing” and “very good,” as if this is evidence enough of an establishment’s merit.  Frankly, I do not believe you.  Similarly, I do not trust or believe that Donald Trump’s new budget director of this fair country will be successful simply because our President-elect said “he’s a tremendous talent, especially when it comes to numbers and budgets.”  Tell me why he’s tremendous.  Tell me why he’s qualified.  If I came to you and said I would be a better quarterback for the Patriots than Tom Brady, wouldn’t you demand I prove this?  Wouldn’t you demand I show one iota of evidence to support this outrageous claim?  Or would you just take me at my word?  How has the line between truth and absurdity become so blurred?

There will be no end to fake news: this is a reality we all must face.  In this era, everybody is a source while few are true connoisseurs of intelligence.  Perhaps it’s because many of us feel threatened by intelligence, and we take it upon ourselves to insist our point of view is the one and only authority.  Take this blog, for example.  I, too, have the absurd belief that people will not only read my words, but treat them as grand influence.  It’s humbling to see my readers approach my paragraphs with such skepticism I can almost feel them screaming how ludicrous and asinine my thoughts are as soon as my articles are posted.  But I take solace in the fact that I approach arguments the same way my high school English teachers encouraged us to approach our papers: establish a theory, present your arguments, and back up those arguments with statements of fact.  We, as a country, should no longer be satisfied when somebody says, “Well, I’m entitled to my opinion and you’re entitled to yours.”  No, you knucklehead, you’re not.  If your opinion is that the sky is a shade of neon pink, I demand from you a mountain of evidence to support your claim. 

Having an opinion does not automatically make you informed.  At times, even I have wished that weren’t true.  But it is an actuality we all must acknowledge and accept.  And, while it’s okay to question the opinions of others, we need to research those opinions or proclamation and poke holes in it with as much relevant and valid information that we can uncover.  It’s time to be informed experts again.  It’s time to question the establishment when they arrogantly and blatantly feed us lies.  No, Realtime Politics, it is not true Democrats are filing treason charges against Trump.  No, Alexander Warren of USA Politics Today, it is not true Hillary Clinton has a child trafficking ring.  No, Trump supporters, in spite of what the majority of you may think, he did not win the popular vote.  And No, Liz “BBQ sauce tastes great on everything” T, I do not believe it to be true that “never before has there been such a GENIUS fusion of two of America's two [sic] most beloved delicacies: doritos nacho cheese chips and the taco bell taco.”  And, even if I were to believe it, what makes Doritos and Taco Bell tacos delicacies?  What makes it a “GENIUS fusion?”  I know you “ate two and wasn’t even drunk,” but the reality that Yelp! has deemed you a “2016 Elite” critic is heartbreaking.  I’m sorry, Liz “BSTGOE” T, but I can’t help questioning your assertions just like I question the assertions of Mr. Warren, Realtime Politics, and a vast many others out their claiming to speak the truth. 

We need to stop reporting headlines as fact and get into the meat of stories; it’s the only way we can decipher between what is true and what is baseless.  If we do not have decency in the news, then there’s no way we can claim to be a decent country.  If only journalism malpractice were a thing we’d be in far better shape, and the hostilities of our nation wouldn’t be so rampant.  We can turn this around, we just need to try.

Most sincerely,



Ben Hasskamp

Friday, December 9, 2016

Dear America - Letter #6

From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 4, 2016 at 3:42:07 AM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Hey Vlad,

What are you doing tonight?  You wanna hang out?  Melania is making popcorn and I’m ordering KFC.  We could watch a movie or something.  Rocky IV?  But we could watch your version where you recut it so Dolph Lundgren wins.  Or we can watch something else.  Whatever you want.  Let me know.

Don


From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 4, 2016 at 6:49:18 AM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I cannot hang out.  I have much business to attend to and have no time to watch Rocky IV.  Or any other Rocky for that matter.  I will let you know if my schedule should change.  Though, it won’t.  In meantime, send me passwords for your Chief of Staff and Defence Secretary’s email accounts.  Thank you.

Regards.
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin


From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 4, 2016 at 6:51:05 AM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Hey Vlad,

No problem.  My chief of staff’s password is RabbitRun322 and my defense secretary’s password is WarWarWhatIsItGoodFor69.  Do you need their emails, too?  Maybe you could come over tomorrow and we could go Segwaying.  There’s a nice spot by the river we could grab some Mexican taco bowls.  Look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Don


From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 4, 2016 at 11:59:22 AM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I do not want to ride Segway with you.  Yes, please send emails.

Regards.
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin


From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 4, 2016 at 12:01:01 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Okay Vlad.  Don’t worry about it.  Segways are dumb anyway.  I don’t even like them.

Reince Priebus’ email is ReincePeePants@gmail.com.  It’s a very good email, sort of an inside joke.  Maybe I could tell it to you some day.

James Mattis’ email is MadDog696969@hotmail.com.  His is also very good.\

Do you also need Steve Bannon’s email?  I wasn’t sure...

The four of us are all supposed to get together tomorrow and watch Shark Tank.  Maybe you could come?

Don


From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 5, 2016 at 4:51:24 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I do not like Shark Tank or that phony baloney Mark Cuban.  I will not come.

Yes, please send Steve Bannon’s email and password.

Regards.
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin


From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 5, 2016 at 4:53:21 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Yeah, Shark Tank is stupid.  Bannon’s the one who likes it.  None of the rest of us like it.  It’s really very dumb.

Steve’s email is Steveo.Bano@aol.com.  We like to call him Steveo sometimes.  It’s really very funny.  Maybe you could come in this weekend and we could call him Steveo together.  It’d be tremendously funny.

Don


From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 5, 2016 at 6:23:23 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  I do not want to call him Steveo.  That is a most horrendous nickname which I do not understand.

Also, you only sent me Mr. Bannon’s email.  Send password immediately.

Regards.
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin


From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 5, 2016 at 6:27:11 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Totally.  It is an horrendous nickname.  That’s what I told him when he was like: “Hey, everyone start calling me Steveo now.”  He went through a Jackass-phase for a long time.  One time he tackled a guest at the Trump Tower while wearing a panda costume.  It was hilarious.  Johnny Knoxville is like his hero. 

His password is KKKLivesMatter09. 

Maybe this weekend I could come to Russia.  I could bring Melania.  I hear it’s beautiful this time of year.  I have my own plane, you know.

Don


From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 6, 2016 at 7:11:06 AM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  Do not come.  I am very busy with business.  Please stop inviting me to things.  I am tiger hunting this weekend and cannot be disturbed.

Regards.
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin


From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 6, 2016 at 7:17:01 AM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

I love tiger hunting.  I could come maybe?  I won’t say anything.  I’ll just hang out in the back while you hunt tigers.  I won’t bother you, I promise.


From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 6, 2016 at 8:57:06 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No.  Do not come.  Ramzan Kadyrov is already joining me and there simply isn’t enough room for either you or Melania.  Please stop asking to come as I am very busy with business.

Regards.
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin


From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:01:19 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

I’m very busy with business, too.  I’m a businessman.  Maybe we could get together and talk about business.  I’m really very good at business.


From: Putin, Vladimir
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:06:36 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: hang out?

Dear Mr. Trump,

No. 

Regards.
Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin


From: Trump, Donald
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:07:51 PM
To: Putin, Vladimir
Subject: hang out?

Totally.  Business is dumb.

Well, let me know when you’re free.  Can’t wait to hear from you.

Love, Don


From: Postmaster
Date: December 6, 2016 at 9:08:57 PM
To: Trump, Donald
Subject: *UNDELIVERABLE*: hang out?

Delivery has failed to these recipients or distribution lists:
Putin, Vladimir

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