Dear America - Letter #3

FROM THE DESK OF THE PRESIDENT

Dear America,

                  

Hello there.  It's me.  Your fearless leader...It's Obama.  Barack.  It's Barack Obama.  The President of the United States.  Current President.  I was writing to...well...I was just wondering if...

Please don't make me go.  Please.

There's still so much I have to do.  I still need to close Guantanamo, overhaul immigration, and mend ties with Cuba.  I need to fix Social Security and create free college education programs.  I need to ensure Merrick Garland is appointed to the Supreme Court.  For the love of God, I need to protect my true treasure: Obamacare.

Oh, who am I kidding?  Honestly, I just want to save my legacy.  I mean, this is crazy, right?  Donald J. Trump?  I still wake up in the mornings believing the election was a twisted dream, but then I wander the halls of the West Wing and see the pained, heartbroken expressions of my staffers and know it must be true.  Democracy is a wonderful thing, sometimes the best of things.  It's something that should be upheld and honored.  But, I'll say again: this is crazy, right?  The Donald?

Isn't there any leniency with that whole "term limit" thing?  Maybe just another two years?  One?  Six months and I'll walk away, I promise.

Seriously, America?  I spent my two terms stimulating the economy, providing healthcare for every single American, reducing unemployment, and creating jobs.  When I took office in January 2009 the Dow Jones had dipped below 8,000, the unemployment rate was 7.6%, and job creation was practically dormant.  Today, the Dow is well over 18,000, unemployment is at 4.9%, and I've helped create more than 9,000,000 jobs!  Make America Great Again?  What the hell do you think I've been doing these last 8 years?  

Please, please, please, don't make me go.  Please don't let the last 8 years be destroyed by the next 4.  You wouldn't build the Golden Gate Bridge to turn around and blow it up, would you?  Come on, man!!  I bottled beer in the White House for God's sake!  I SING AL GREEN!  And you've replaced me with an orange haired, red-faced, discriminatory, fear-peddling, ignoramus?

COME. ON. MAN.

Just...just...oh, please just let me stay.  I promise I won't bother anyone.  I'll just keep my head down and do my job and I won't say a thing.  Just say you'll think about it, okay?  Isn't violating the Constitution worth not having to subject yourself to a former reality star as your Commander in Chief?  Isn't ignoring the democratic process worth not having to worry about a woman's right to choose?  Isn't shunning the electoral college worth not having to worry about one's immigration rights?  The nuclear football will be in the hands of a pea-brained nitwit with an itchy trigger finger and no inside voice!  Please just think about it.

Well, I hear Michelle calling.  We need to go down to the garden and pick vegetables for dinner—oh yeah, that's right, I built a fucking garden in the White House, too!

Don't forget me, America.

Love, always and forever,

Barack H. Obama

Dear America - Letter #2

Dear Mr. President-elect Trump,

Hi.  It’s America.  Got your letter.  We especially liked the Ziggy postage stamp you used.  He is both a beloved and underappreciated character in our cartoon history.  We would like to think your letter was sent in good faith, but judging by the rigid, bombastic content, we're guessing we should assume otherwise.

We'd like to start by congratulating you.  You did, indeed, win the 2016 Presidential Election.  That much is true.  But after reading your letter some thoughts came to mind, and if you'll indulge us for just a few more words, we think we can help alleviate some of the divisiveness you're so keen on exercising.

First, and this is a simple one, tone down the racist, bigoted, misogynistic rhetoric.  We'll explain it in a way second grade teachers all across the country are explaining to their students: think about what you're saying, and if you're fine with somebody saying that about you, then it's probably OK.  Example: you said, "When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best...They're bringing drugs.  They're bringing crime.  They're rapists."  Someone could just easily say, "When Donald Trump comes to your town, he's not bringing his best.  He's bringing drugs.  He's bringing crime.  He's bringing rape."  Both are unfair characterizations, we're sure, but no less contentious.  We will not survive your presidency if your sole belief is the promotion of old, rich, white men and to hell with the rest. 

This country was founded on the ideals of hope, freedom, and truth, three ideals you clearly struggle with.  So, for the next four years, please remember your job as president is not only to be tolerant, but embracing; embracing of all sexes, races, religions, creeds, and sexual orientations.  Freedoms should not be afforded only to gun owners and Wall Street fat cats.  We are the land of the free for many reasons beyond those, and the moment you discontinue our traditions, the moment we quit being a country.

Second: enough with the fear mongering.  In spite of your preposterous claims, your job as president isn't to tell people what to be afraid of and who's to blame for those fears.  It's a fundamentally flawed concept to accuse poor people of creating a stagnant or failing economy, or reprimanding an entire race for isolated incidents.  Terrible things happen all the time—in our country and others—and chastising a whole populous for a few extremists will only advance our country's latent racism and instill that fear you're so intent on broadcasting.  Our country's well-being is far more important than your unsettling scare tactics. 

Thirdly, and for more than half of Americans this is probably most important, it is and always will be a woman's right to choose.  Inflicting your own "moral" compass on another woman's body is neither the president's decision nor any other Tom, Dick, and Harry who feels otherwise.  It has been decades since women have been afforded and granted the right to choose, and you should not only refuse to be a president that strips away freedoms based on one's gender, you should condemn it.  And, while you argue abortion should be a state's issue, rather than a federal issue, the 1973 Supreme Court opinion decided otherwise.  It is not your obligation or even your privilege to insist you know what is right for all women.  And it would be to misunderstand these women to presume as much. 

Lastly, after the election, thousands took to the streets to protest the result.  Please know not all of these people were whining or protesting the democratic process or even the electoral college, most of these people were protesting your plans and policies.  These Americans strongly believe your agenda is so deeply flawed and marred by deceit they have taken to their cities to speak out against it.  Not only are these people protected by the constitutional rights you claim to respect, they are the activists our country needs and craves.  If we do not have a voice, then our only other recourse is to be paralyzed by our anxieties.

We do, however, take solace in one thing: throughout our nation's history we have always risen up, reborn into something greater, something more meaningful than ever once it was.  And, we promise you, we will rise from this.  We will fight until we have nothing left and we will succeed, this is our undying promise.  Revolutions manifest in all sorts of ways, and so, Mr. Trump, thank you for being this generation's catalyst.

We need to get back to what this country was built upon.  We need to quit ridiculing intelligence, and, rather, promote it.  It is imperative not only to instill an appreciation for education, but a hunger for one.  Teachers should be the highest paid employees in our country and schools should be seen more as kingdoms than prisons.  We need to focus on advancing technology, getting back to building rather than destroying; infrastructure should be celebrated, not glossed over like some inconvenient truth.  We need to quit belittling morality.  And so, during the first 100 days of your presidency, we implore you to focus only on one thing: decency toward all.  We can't fix our problems, Mr. Trump, without first admitting we have them.  Before you tear down this country, understand what makes us tick, understand our passions, understand our hopes and beliefs.  In short: understand us.

It's time to end oppression and endorse unity.  It's time to end hate and advocate love.  America is not just your country, Mr. President-elect, it's all of ours.  And once you start believing that, then maybe we'll have something to talk about.

I'm sure we'll discuss very soon.

Regards.

America

Dear America - Letter #1

FROM THE DESK OF 

DONALD J. TRUMP

Dear America,

Hello.  It’s me.  It's your president.  First, let me start by saying how tremendously glad I am to be your commander in chief.  It means a lot.  I really, really, really appreciate it.  I appreciate it almost as much as I’d appreciate a card from my grandmother on my birthday.  It truly was a nice gesture.  So many of you said I couldn’t win, but I’m here for good and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Secondly, let me take the opportunity to say: Goodbye you blacks.  Goodbye you Muslims.  Goodbye Jews.  Goodbye Somalis.  Goodbye you disgusting Greeks with your overcooked, under-sauced food.  Goodbye lazy Mexicans, enjoy climbing my ten foot wall with your nine foot ladder.  Goodbye women, with their ways and their shopping.  Goodbye you fags, with...whatever it is you do.  Because, obviously, a very strong, very tough, tremendously masculine man such as myself couldn’t possibly care what makes you tick.  Good riddance you spicks, you lazy sacks of trash.  Goodbye to the Millennials, Generation X, and Generation Y, I won’t miss you degenerate twats a bit.  Goodbye Koreans who sell their overpriced tomatoes on 57^th and Park.  Goodbye you micks.  Goodbye you meager Indians, stealing the money I’ve made from your misfortunes.  What’s mine is mine shitheads.  Goodbye democracy.  Goodbye equal rights.  Goodbye diversity, for diversity is the root of all true evil.  Was Adam white?  Was Eve? 

Lastly: Hello you beautiful white people.  Hello you Wall Street Industrialists, you titans of all industry.  Hello rich white widows and widowers.  Hello rich bankers, with your causal cocaine addictions and squash memberships.  Hello you glorious people willing to give me your hard earned cash thinking I have an intention of making a difference.  The world needs suckers too, ya know.  Hello malicious intents.  Hello idocracy.  Hello segregation.  Hello persecution.  Hello oppression.  Hello sweet, sweet white supremacy; you've been lurking for far too long and I can't tell you how happy I am to let you out of your cage. 

Let me make something perfectly clear to your America: I am not here for you.  This is about me.  Make America Great Again?  More like: Make TRUMP great again.  I am going to tremendously like taking everything you have and either profit from it or destroy it.  You think now because I'm president I won't make a buck?  You think because I'm president I'll tone down my racist rhetoric?  You think because I'm president I'll start to give two fucks about anybody but myself?  If so, America, you're off you're rocker.

I suppose I should be concerned I’ve said such harsh words in such a public forum—after all, you are America—but the last year has pretty much proved I can do whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want.  I am the cockroach that will never die, constantly scurrying away just before the shoe drops. 

And, finally, thanks for proving to me that you don’t take anything particularly seriously.  And it’s because of your wonderful apathy that I’m your President-elect, and there are few things more stunning than that.

Good riddance, America.  I’ll see you when I see you.

Best regards.

Donald J. Trump