Dear America - Letter #3

FROM THE DESK OF THE PRESIDENT

Dear America,

                  

Hello there.  It's me.  Your fearless leader...It's Obama.  Barack.  It's Barack Obama.  The President of the United States.  Current President.  I was writing to...well...I was just wondering if...

Please don't make me go.  Please.

There's still so much I have to do.  I still need to close Guantanamo, overhaul immigration, and mend ties with Cuba.  I need to fix Social Security and create free college education programs.  I need to ensure Merrick Garland is appointed to the Supreme Court.  For the love of God, I need to protect my true treasure: Obamacare.

Oh, who am I kidding?  Honestly, I just want to save my legacy.  I mean, this is crazy, right?  Donald J. Trump?  I still wake up in the mornings believing the election was a twisted dream, but then I wander the halls of the West Wing and see the pained, heartbroken expressions of my staffers and know it must be true.  Democracy is a wonderful thing, sometimes the best of things.  It's something that should be upheld and honored.  But, I'll say again: this is crazy, right?  The Donald?

Isn't there any leniency with that whole "term limit" thing?  Maybe just another two years?  One?  Six months and I'll walk away, I promise.

Seriously, America?  I spent my two terms stimulating the economy, providing healthcare for every single American, reducing unemployment, and creating jobs.  When I took office in January 2009 the Dow Jones had dipped below 8,000, the unemployment rate was 7.6%, and job creation was practically dormant.  Today, the Dow is well over 18,000, unemployment is at 4.9%, and I've helped create more than 9,000,000 jobs!  Make America Great Again?  What the hell do you think I've been doing these last 8 years?  

Please, please, please, don't make me go.  Please don't let the last 8 years be destroyed by the next 4.  You wouldn't build the Golden Gate Bridge to turn around and blow it up, would you?  Come on, man!!  I bottled beer in the White House for God's sake!  I SING AL GREEN!  And you've replaced me with an orange haired, red-faced, discriminatory, fear-peddling, ignoramus?

COME. ON. MAN.

Just...just...oh, please just let me stay.  I promise I won't bother anyone.  I'll just keep my head down and do my job and I won't say a thing.  Just say you'll think about it, okay?  Isn't violating the Constitution worth not having to subject yourself to a former reality star as your Commander in Chief?  Isn't ignoring the democratic process worth not having to worry about a woman's right to choose?  Isn't shunning the electoral college worth not having to worry about one's immigration rights?  The nuclear football will be in the hands of a pea-brained nitwit with an itchy trigger finger and no inside voice!  Please just think about it.

Well, I hear Michelle calling.  We need to go down to the garden and pick vegetables for dinner—oh yeah, that's right, I built a fucking garden in the White House, too!

Don't forget me, America.

Love, always and forever,

Barack H. Obama