Posts
A man sits at a bar. A woman approaches him. She sits down.
“How about I buy you a drink?” the woman says.
The man takes a drink of his drink.
“Did you hear me?” she asks. “I wanna buy you a drink.”
The man takes another drink and says, “Get away from me.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said, ‘get away from me.’”
“What’s made you such a Sour Sally this evening?”
The man finishes his drink and orders another by simply pointing at the bartender. The bartender sets to work.
“Ain’t no need to be rude,” says the woman.
“I’m ain’t being rude. I just want you to get away from me.”
“What for?”
“I’m not in the mood.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because,” he says, “I think my wife just left me.”
The woman blinks. “What?”
“I said, ‘I think my wife just left me.’”
“You’re married?”
“Did you not hear what I said?”
“Huh?” the woman grunts.
“I just told you my wife left me and your follow-up question was: ‘You’re married?’”
The woman blinks again, mouth agape.
“Obviously I’m no longer married,” says the man.
The bartender returns and sets the man’s drink in front of him. He looks to woman for her order, but when she doesn’t speak he shuffles away.
“Well…how do you know she’s left you if it just happened?” she asks.
“Earlier today, I had just finished mowing the lawn and she walked up to me in the garage and said, ‘I’m leaving you.’”
“Oh…”
“Yeah…”
“And then what happened?” the woman asks.
“And then she left.”
“Oh…”
“Yeah…”
“Maybe she was just blowing off some steam.”
“She left her wedding ring on the lawnmower,” says the man.
“Oh…”
“Yeah…”
“Well, at least she gave you the ring back.”
“Yeah…” he says. “I guess.” He takes a nip of dram and loosens his tie. “She also didn’t take the car.” The man raises his glass in a mock toast. “So cheers to our 1999 Ford Fiesta.”
The woman leans forward. “I think that’s great she didn’t take the car.”
“Yeah,” he says. “Her lover was the one who dropped her off, so he was able to give her a ride.”
The woman looks to the bartender for a drink, but he’s nowhere to be found. She says, “I bet you get decent gas mileage.”
“What?”
“I said I bet you get decent gas mileage with that 1999 Ford Fiesta.”
“It’s okay.”
“Just okay?”
“About 30 MPGs.”
“I think that’s pretty good!” the woman says, impressed.
“Yeah,” he says. “I guess you’re right.” He loosens his tie further.
“And heck, owning your own car in this climate!” she exclaims. “At least you got assets. Your wife—or ex-wife—sorry—she ain’t got no assets.”
“Yeah,” the man says, thinking about it. “You’re right!” He loosens his tie a third time. “So what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this so long after dark?”
She smiles. “Ohhhh, I’m just waiting for some schmuck.”
“Some schmuck, huh?”
“Yeah. But don’t worry about him.”
“Yeah? Why’s that?”
“I’ll ditch him. Only need to say one thing to him anyway. You let me say my peace, tell the guy to take a hike, and we’ll find some place quiet to talk.”
The man turns to her. “You were saying something about a drink.”
“You don’t want me to ‘get away’ anymore?” she says playfully.
He half-smiles.
“What’s your name?” she asks.
“Roger.”
The woman shifts uneasily. “Roger what?”
“Roger Donnell.”
Her face darkens. “Roger Donnell?” she asks, almost petrified.
“Yeah, why?”
“Your name is Roger Donnell?”
“Yes,” he says.
“Oh…”
The bartender returns and the woman orders Roger Donnell a double. He saunters off to pour.
“Hey, aren’t you getting something, too?” Roger Donnell asks.
“Afraid not.” The woman gets up, reaches into her bag.
“Hey, I thought we were having a nice talk.”
The woman asks, “Roger Donnell?”
“Yeah.”
The woman hands him a manila envelope. “You’ve been served.”
Roger Donnell blinks. “What?”
“You’ve been served,” she says again, this time devoid of any emotion.
“With…what?”
“Divorce papers,” she says flatly.
“Divorce papers?”
“Yes. Divorce papers.”
The bartender returns with the double and Roger Donnell drinks it down.
“Sorry about your wife,” says the woman.
“Yeah…”
The woman makes to leave, but then turns back. “You know…I bet the Blue Book value of that Fiesta is around a $800…maybe even $850.”
“You think?”
“Yeah,” she says. “I really do.”
Roger Donnell says, “Thanks.”
The woman says, “You’re welcome.”
The woman leaves. Roger Donnell tightens his tie.
No comments:
Post a Comment