Dear America - Letter #9

Dear America,

What’s up?  ‘Merica here.  I hear you’ve been bothering our fearless leader, Donald J. Trump.  Knock that (per Facebook Terms and Conditions insert curse word here) off.  He’s a good guy.  A good guy whose gonna kick some ass.  You know what we like about him? He’s real.  He’s as real as they come.  I’ve never seen a guy tell it like it is the way he does.  He’s so raw it gets my wood rattling—if you know what I mean.  He stuck it to Crooked Hillary, he stuck it to the liberal media, and now he’s gonna stick it to you. 

Trump is gonna drain the swamp, kill the establishment, cut taxes, destroy Obamacare, and bitch slap any foreign leader foolish enough to question his kick ass authority.  He’s gonna bring back the coal factories, eliminate NAFTA—the absolute worst trade deal in the history of this great county.  He’s gonna deport the immigrants and build a great, big wall to keep ‘em out.  What’s more, he’s gonna charge the Mexicans down to the penny to pay for that wall.  He’s gonna be the greatest job creator God has ever seen.  He’s gonna do so many great things that by 2020 we’ll be the most powerful country in the world again.  And on that good day, America, we can’t wait to tell you we told you so.

Fuck China.  Fuck Mexico.  Fuck the Ukraine, Iraq, Iran, and Syria.  There’s a new sheriff in town, America, and you’d best get used to it.

Trump’s gonna build ties with Russia.  It’s about time!  So what if they hacked us and used information to influence the election?  Does anyone really care?  Besides, they hacked us for good reason: to sully the name of Hillary Clinton and her confidants.  In short, they acted like ‘Mericans!  Fuck yeah!  How can we not respect them for that?  Isn’t that the type of ally we’d wanna have?

And you know what the best part is, America?  Trump’s gonna let us keep our guns.  Our 100% absolute Constitutional right.  No longer will we have to live in fear that Hillary and her cronies will come knocking on our doors and demand our Glocks and Berettas.  We’ll be free to carry whatever we want, whenever we want, and there isn’t a damn thing anyone’s gonna be able to do about it.

We’re gonna get back to the way things were.  And isn’t that what America is all about?

Now fuck off bothering our President-elect and do what you do best: fade into the ether while ‘Merica enjoys the fruits of the electoral college’s labor.

Later sucker,

‘Merica

Dear America - Letter #8

Dear 115^th Congress,

Hello, you knuckleheads.  It’s me, America.  Well, you really started things off with a bang, didn’t you?  What was supposed to be your celebratory affair on Tuesday morning—welcoming new and returning members of Congress—turned into a complete and utter disaster after what you pulled on Monday night.  One may call it an ill-fated reach; others may refer to it as sneaky and distasteful; I prefer to think of it as idiotic.  House Republicans, led by Representative Robert W. Goodlatte of Virginia, attempted to prevent the Office of Congressional Ethics (OCE) from pursuing investigations into members of Congress that might result in criminal charges.

Good one. 

It’s like before the race even started you managed to trip over your own shoelaces.  Even Speaker of the House Paul Ryan and President-elect Donald Trump were against this.  You know you’ve fucked up when those two are condemning you.  Crippling the Ethics Committee?  Really?  How dense can you be?

We know Congress’ track record, and we are not fooled.  In May of this year, The Atlantic did an article about the worst Congress in history.  And congratulations, 114^th Congress, you took the cake!  You even beat out the 112^th Congress—which was the most ineffective in history, according to Pew Research Center, passing a mere 208 substantive bills in its two years—the lowest recorded in congressional history.  This laziness and ineptitude even edged out the 113^th Congress, which passed only 4 more bills, and saw Ted Cruz reading Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate Floor.  That’s right, 114^th Congress, you were worse than a grown man mumbling the words of Dr. Seuss to our elected officials.

We do, however, commend the constituents of the 115^th Congress’ men and women.  You got on the phone and you inundated your representatives with calls denouncing such an action.  Internet searches for the phrase “Who is my representative?” flooded search engines shortly after news of this broke, and by Tuesday morning it had reached its peak.  Their outrage rattled your sneaky play so effectively, your hopes of reduced oversight were squashed even before it could reach the voting floor.  We insisted we would keep fighting the good fight, and we will continue to prove that we’re not going anywhere.

On Tuesday morning, Representative Goodlatte took to The Hill to vent about our misconceptions of the meeting and his hopes to limit the committee’s power.  His claim was that he was improving the OCE, rather than dismantling it—even though one of his suggestions was renaming the committee altogether.  He writes, “while the name may change, the office maintains its independence and mission to review complaints...” Really?  If your suggestions were so innocuous, why try and slip this in without going through the proper channels?  You even wrote, “Today the OCE is able to accept anonymous complaints, meaning literally anyone from anywhere in the world can send something through a website and potentially disparage the reputation of a Member without a basis in fact. Responding to an anonymous accusation drags good people’s names through the mud, costs the accused tens of thousands of dollars, and costs people their jobs.”  According to the OCE’s website, though, it takes a great deal for an investigation even to reach the preliminary stages.  Investigations are broken up into a 30 day preliminary review and then a second-phase, 45 day review.  In fact, it takes at least two members of the OCE Board to request an investigation before it can begin.  The fact that you think any bumpkin off the street can sully the name of a Congress man or woman through the manipulation of the OCE is blatantly unfounded.  Mr. Goodlatte, it’s like you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar and you told your mother the Cookie Monster is in your basement and he made you do it.  Take some responsibility for your asinine idea.  In a time when there is so much distrust and paranoia surrounding politics and our representatives, don’t hold a surprise, closed-door meeting to keep the one independent body from investigating issues of misconduct.  We’d like to think our representatives are smarter and savvier than that, and we don’t appreciate you taking us for imbeciles? 

I mean, seriously, how stupid do you think we are, 115^th Congress?  You knocked on our door and the first thing you say is, “While it’s true we’re following in the footsteps of some historical and colossal fuck-ups, please don’t monitor us in the event we may accept inappropriate gifts or goods for certain works we may or may not do.”  Are you serious?  This would be like releasing sex offenders into halfway houses and telling them, “Hey, you know those ankle bracelets we use to monitor your whereabouts?  They don’t actually work.”

We say again: “Good one.”

There is so much to do, so many problems to solve, so many laws to pass, and this was the first of your efforts?  You need to focus waging wars on poverty, affordable healthcare, and equal pay for women.  You need to create and enact a federalized minimum wage rate.  You need to fix the floundering programs of Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid.  You need to fight back against the idea of school vouchers and pour money into our public education systems through grants and endowments.  You need to do so many things in your 700+ days, and you start off by attempting to put in a preemptive measure ensuring that, when you inevitably fuck up, there won’t be anyone around to hold you accountable?

Good one, you absolute, unequivocal jabronis.   Make sure to pay your phone bill, because we can’t wait to keep calling.

Best regards.

America

Dear America - Letter #7

This is an article by Ben Hasskamp and Ben Hasskamp alone.  It does not necessarily represent the views of America, ‘Merica, Putin, Trump, Obama, or anyone other than the writer himself.

Dear Readers:

Let’s face it, we have become a country of uninformed experts.  We managed to callously create a society based on the foundations of misinformation and deceit.  Many of us have not only blindly accepted this, but have willingly perpetrated it. 

Today, it seems as if everybody has a Yelp! profile proclaiming the next best restaurant with vague descriptions like “simply amazing” and “very good,” as if this is evidence enough of an establishment’s merit.  Frankly, I do not believe you.  Similarly, I do not trust or believe that Donald Trump’s new budget director of this fair country will be successful simply because our President-elect said “he’s a tremendous talent, especially when it comes to numbers and budgets.”  Tell me why he’s tremendous.  Tell me why he’s qualified.  If I came to you and said I would be a better quarterback for the Patriots than Tom Brady, wouldn’t you demand I prove this?  Wouldn’t you demand I show one iota of evidence to support this outrageous claim?  Or would you just take me at my word?  How has the line between truth and absurdity become so blurred?

There will be no end to fake news: this is a reality we all must face.  In this era, everybody is a source while few are true connoisseurs of intelligence.  Perhaps it’s because many of us feel threatened by intelligence, and we take it upon ourselves to insist our point of view is the one and only authority.  Take this blog, for example.  I, too, have the absurd belief that people will not only read my words, but treat them as grand influence.  It’s humbling to see my readers approach my paragraphs with such skepticism I can almost feel them screaming how ludicrous and asinine my thoughts are as soon as my articles are posted.  But I take solace in the fact that I approach arguments the same way my high school English teachers encouraged us to approach our papers: establish a theory, present your arguments, and back up those arguments with statements of fact.  We, as a country, should no longer be satisfied when somebody says, “Well, I’m entitled to my opinion and you’re entitled to yours.”  No, you knucklehead, you’re not.  If your opinion is that the sky is a shade of neon pink, I demand from you a mountain of evidence to support your claim. 

Having an opinion does not automatically make you informed.  At times, even I have wished that weren’t true.  But it is an actuality we all must acknowledge and accept.  And, while it’s okay to question the opinions of others, we need to research those opinions or proclamation and poke holes in it with as much relevant and valid information that we can uncover.  It’s time to be informed experts again.  It’s time to question the establishment when they arrogantly and blatantly feed us lies.  No, Realtime Politics, it is not true Democrats are filing treason charges against Trump.  No, Alexander Warren of USA Politics Today, it is not true Hillary Clinton has a child trafficking ring.  No, Trump supporters, in spite of what the majority of you may think, he did not win the popular vote.  And No, Liz “BBQ sauce tastes great on everything” T, I do not believe it to be true that “never before has there been such a GENIUS fusion of two of America's two [sic] most beloved delicacies: doritos nacho cheese chips and the taco bell taco.”  And, even if I were to believe it, what makes Doritos and Taco Bell tacos delicacies?  What makes it a “GENIUS fusion?”  I know you “ate two and wasn’t even drunk,” but the reality that Yelp! has deemed you a “2016 Elite” critic is heartbreaking.  I’m sorry, Liz “BSTGOE” T, but I can’t help questioning your assertions just like I question the assertions of Mr. Warren, Realtime Politics, and a vast many others out their claiming to speak the truth. 

We need to stop reporting headlines as fact and get into the meat of stories; it’s the only way we can decipher between what is true and what is baseless.  If we do not have decency in the news, then there’s no way we can claim to be a decent country.  If only journalism malpractice were a thing we’d be in far better shape, and the hostilities of our nation wouldn’t be so rampant.  We can turn this around, we just need to try.

Most sincerely,

Ben Hasskamp